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“Bare is brotherless back…”
The Amazing one
I am Tanveer’s elder sister Tina, in my opinion one of the most pure relations is of brother and sister. The love that exists in this bond is so innocent which remains for eternity. No matter how old we become we never lose that special feeling for each other in this special bond. Growing up together, sharing so much, the fights and the sweet apologies, the feeling of being incomplete without each other, the care and love both feel, and so much in common means a lot to both brother and sister. Sometimes what parents are unable to teach the children is learnt in between themselves by both brother and sister, for example a brother could never see his sister when people hurt her, I remember a quote suiting what exactly a brother is for a sister when someone tries to hurt her, “A thorn defends the rose harming only those who try to steel the blossom…” I learnt a lot from my brother but, what he couldn’t teach me when he was alive, he taught me when he left this worldly existence and became an immortal in our hearts.I knew thatI loved my brother, what I did not know was how much and how I would be so incomplete without him. He taught me to believe in love that does not exist till the walls of this material world rather it is much more beyond what we often think and know. A famous saying, “Your faith is what you believe, not what you know.” Today when I close my eyes, I see my brother’s smiling face and realize how special my relation with him is even now. His face makes me realize that his soul still exists inside me, now that he has become a part of my consciousness. At every step in my life I hear his sweet voice deep inside my eternal being. I never knew that I had the courage to love my brother far beyond the existence of this world. He just left his body but he didn’t leave me and each one who misses him knows that we have the ability to hear and even feel his warm hugs. He lives inside our hearts and always will because that is the permanent home of the ones we love. Isn’t that true?
I remember the day he was born, though he was only three years younger to me, the day still exists in my memory. Those little hands and legs, small pink lips and so innocently beautiful eyes, excited me when I saw him lying on the bed moving his hands slowly and trying to open his eyes in the light. He was so delicate that I feared to even touch him thinking I would hurt him, I knew that he was born to be loved, and each one who saw him could judge that he would be everyone’s beloved child. He had always maintained his innocent and delicate behavior. I fail to understand how. One young gentleman I ever knew. I cherish that day when I became a sister, 21 September 1990, the day of the new beginning in my life.
My Role Model
We all used to call him Tanu. He had always played an important role in my life and still does. Instead of being younger to me, I got to learn a lot of things from the little fellow. I always appreciated the way how he would manage to control his anger buoyantly most of the time, but if angry; it would result in fights and end up in tears and apology. The ways of his majestically loving nature nurtured his delicate yet tough personality at every step in his life. As he grew he was slowly and gradually becoming my strength, a strength none could defy. Though he was subtly hard physically but people could hurt his heart quite easily and he would always come to me with tears and expectations in his eyes that his sister would understand him and advice him. We shared a strong telepathy, a result of strong, unbreakable bond of love, which alarmed us when one of us was in problem. We knew our deepest secrets, like an open diary. He would share his feelings in themost feminine way and would advice me asif the big tough brother of mine.Amazingly his advices were never wrong and always worked. He would lend me his shoulder to cry and dance with me to the tune till we dropped. I remember how he used to rest his head on my lapse to sleep then he would suddenly wake up asking me not to ever leave him alone. He could never see anyone hurt me; just like most of the brothers he was really possessive about his elder sister. We fought a lot sometimes even wrestled to the extent of crying. No one could ever calm us down as none knew of our hassles; it was a secret until now. He fulfilled all his duties as a brother, he shared problems, protected me, loved me, respected me and much more. We were the best of friends, we fought like friends, talked and argued like friends and even played like friends.
The bouyant Soul
He loved PC games, and he often played them non-stop. I remember exactly the games Tanveer most of the time chose to play which was The Claw, all the levels of War-craft and Star-craft, Max TT Super bike, Midtown Madness, Little fighter, Grand Turismo, Spyro The Dragon. Well there were endless of them he liked to play. Not only the computer games but also the play station games. If ever Tanveer got a chance to play the PS1 and PS2 games he would not leave his throne until our mother would scold him. But he never minded the scolding he used toget for not listening to our mother as he knew it was for his own good, so he always loved it that way. The out door games we used to play were more of a hilarious sessions of the day. The best part was when we used to break out laughing on each other’s stupid hopeless efforts for useless stunts having people staring all the way along there own game. The ambience was totally different when he stepped in the arena of sports; he made it more humorous rather than a serious play of scores.
The musician
We often used make music together and would sit for hours together thinking which type of tune would suit our music. Usually he used to start the music and I was the one finishing it up, I still have some of his music tracks in store. Once he even recorded a birthday song that would not at all rhyme but, the emotions were eminently overwhelming. He gave me the track and asked me to listen to it when I was alone as he felt shy, with his little hands he handed over the track to me with a kiss; I started crying when I listened to it for the first time. He was peeping from the door, but when he saw that it had made me cry, he popped in and said that he would not make such a track if it hurt me so badly, but I gave him a hug and thanked him for giving me such a sweet memory which left a big mark on my heart. Even now that track makes mecry, he was just five years and the little heart had so much to say…
The Elder Brother
He loved his youngest sister Tannia very much. If today when we ask her, “Tannia do you remember your elder brother Tanu?” She says, “I do, he loved me very much, but he is now with God, he used to play a lot with me, but now he does not. He keeps on looking at me from somewhere but I don’t know from where but I know he is smiling to me.” Her angelic answer becomes a heavy thing for me to sustain, so it always flows out in tears, though I know that her answer is not meant for hurting me or any one, but as everyone knows feelings can not be hidden for long enough. He used to carry her on his back like a horse, jump around with her. But it was the time when he was strong, later it was only in her dreams that her elder brother would once again play with her the same way forever more. When he was in Arizona, US getting treated for his illness, he was quite puzzled on what he must by as a gift for his little angel Tannia on a traditional occasion ‘Rakhi’. Along with our father he walked for hours and kilometers together in the area of big shopping malls just to find a meaning full toy for her. Of course, he would gift it himself. He bought her a beautiful looking telephone which had numbers and poems recorded in it. It was really meaning full, enjoyment, play and education. After all a brother who loved her, could think that way. A thing that is not just to write, or to be surprised at and discuss it, but a point to note that love is stronger and often crosses the limit of physical and mental endurances. He was awfully week at that point of time which would definitely force him to rest, but he did not…
He was one strong soul that I know ever existed and still exists on the face of this earth; in our hearts. Neither it is a mystery, nor it is a mystique moment that forces one to think of the extraordinary power the Tanveer had to choose between a toy and his bed rest. It was love that made him do this. Even now the toy lies safe and sound with us that he bought all the way long from the US to his little beloved sister Tannia. It is not a toy, but his love that he showered on his angel, and she will always be.
The thing that was once cherished but now when it is remembered it is cried over is his immense love for Tannia. Even when he was back from the US he wanted to spend most of the time with Tannia. It seemed as if Tanveer had some spiritual bonding with her that wouldn’t allow him to stay away from her. The time when Tanveer had facial palsy he wanted our mother to click at least on of his photo with his little sister Tannia. When his wish was fulfilled he broke emotionally as somewhere he knew he would not live long enough to see his Tannia grow.
Our little Brother
Ruchi, our sister who is one year younger to me and two years elder to Tanu; matched Tanu’s attitude and the way of presenting themselves. Most of the time it was me and Ranbeer together as the naughty ones where as Ruchi, Rahul and Tanu were regarded as the sober and delicate children as both had common interests and likings. As Ruchi recalls the day when she, our uncle, aunty and Ranbeer shifted to Chandigarh from Baroda, Tanveer was more of an introvert who use to not talk much but share his toys with her. Ruchi was always surprised by Tanveer’s sweet but weird behaviour but she still enjoyed his stately and majestic moves. Tanveer used to speak pure Punjabi. Everyone use to love the way he spoke. She misses their laugh sessions and the fun and frolic moods they both often had. As with Ruchi Tanveer never fought but with the others it was a bitter stuff. She remembers the day Tanveer was diagnosed with this terrible sickness that would not only give pain to him but also us. She wished that may the report be faulty but unfortunately it wasn’t the way in fact all of us wanted it to be. Ruchi enjoyed being with Tanveer, may be eight nine years back we all had taken off for a world tour while the vacation holidays. We all were exited about the world tour as we just heard of it in the stories, novels and movies, but this time we all were getting the opportunity to see the out side world and how the way people thought, treated and lived which helped us broaden the spectrum of our thinking and living. She remembers that Tanveer who was very fond of coke-cola and Fanta (cold drinks) used to have Ruchi’s share too, which he used to enjoy. But the very next moment she remembers a painful but an unforgettable thing that her eyes and heart cannot forget. Says Ruchi, “I still remember his blood shot eyes which were due to excess of vomiting; it was something terrible which I didn’t want my brother to face, but he was facing it. Until the time I saw his eyes deeply with blood red spots in them, I realized that nothing was okay and that my brother was enduring something very painful. We will never be able to know what Tanveer exactly faced but do know the scars it has given not only to Tanveer but also to us.” That period of time was of course the toughest time that would ever come in the rest of our lives, but this is destiny, we all have our own and Tanveer had his. When Tanveer turned twelve, Ruchi, Ranbeer, uncle and aunty (paternal) had shifted in the house neighboring to our grandparent’s. There was so much to shift. His reverent behaviour wasn’t ordinary; she feels that there is no one as sincere as Tanveer even till date. Tanveer together with Ranbeer helped them to shift there things to there new house. Tanveer was happy that at least someone of his age was now close to him. He helped them with sheer happiness and took it as another gift by god. “I can not forget that glow on his face that every one was dying to see. It was one of the happiest moments of my life to see my brother smile in such joy,” says Ruchi.
After I had been transferred form Mohali’s branch of our school to Chandigarh’s branch, it was Ruchi who use to be taking care of the younger ones. As she had become the head girl of her group, it meant a lot of responsibilities. So, it was Ruchi who was benefiting the position but it was Ranbeer, Rahul and Tanveer. If ever someone would trouble them, they would complain it to her. So, it is but obvious that the child would get a bit of scolding.
Usually it was Tanveer who benefited the situations. ”There was this boy who used to steal Tanveer’s lunch box leaving nothing for Tanveer to munch on, one day getting fed up of the boy’s bad behaviour, he came up to me with a complaint against that boy. I felt anger for that boy, but at the same time it felt good that I was being trusted by my brother who had full faith in me that I wouldn’t let down. He came up to me and said, “Ruchi didi”, with cute and innocent eyes he carried on his complaint. For few seconds I wasn’t listening to his complaint but I was watching the way my beloved brother approached me. But something still bothers me, few months before he left the school for his further treatment, he stopped coming to the school’s play ground for lunch time. He used to sit quietly with his head rested on the study table. The class room would be full of silence and even my little brother. I don’t know what troubled him, but I know it was something that was pinching his heart. May be I’ll know it some day or may be it will remain hidden for ever more as it was then. I pray that my brother’s soul may rest in peace.”
These were few words that Ruchi wanted to share with us. It is known that her sorrow of loosing her brother can not be measured but at least the memories are making her live too. Her eyes were wet, had a heavy heart and the voice trembled while she uncovered some of the overwhelming moment that she experienced with Tanveer that she treasures inside her which bring pain, tears and smile along with it. Tanveer was precious as a brother to a sister just as he was a marvelous support to his brothers. His unbreakable tough pillars of trust were his elder brothers, being the youngest of all he was usually pampered by his brothers. I miss the way the three used to walk together gallantly that no one even dared to point. The three were so supportive and united. One could be broken easily but three of them together were sternly a grave challenge to someone who would try to stand in front of them. There gang is so much missed by all, even his two elder brothers. Ranbeer, brother one year elder to Tanveer has his photo in his cupboard, though the photos are all around the house, he says he wanted to see his brother’s photo every time he opened the cupboard. I have secretly seen him sometimes talking to Tanveer’s photo weeping, telling him how much he misses him. He remembers the way they used to sit together in front of the computer and ply the PC games.
”Yet be sad, good brothers, for, by my faith, it very well becomes you. Sorrow so royally in you appears that I will deeply put the fashion on and wear it in my heart.”
The life that the brothers used to live together was suddenly so dismembered. Rahul, who was two years elder to Tanveer, was broken. As I had interviewed every one regarding Tanveer, I interviewed Rahul also who is usually the most quite out of all of us. I was surprised to know what he told me about Tanveer. Tanveer’s sketch was over all a different one in the eyes of his elder brother Rahul. At the first moment when I asked him about Tanveer, he had absolutely no words that could ever describe Tanveer in the most accurate way. But as I talked about his existence to Rahul, he couldn’t stop himself, and his feelings that since a long time wanted to talk about Tanveer seemed as if they were feeling relaxed after sharing each and every thing about his forever loved brother. There is still much to write but, some feeling just have no words in any vocabulary of the world to get expressed by. Some feeling of Rahul for which I could find some suitable words, I could at least bring them forth to you. As of all Tanveer’s brothers and sisters, Tanveer never fought with Ruchi and Rahul. With me and Ranbeer, fights were some of the bitter experiences that today if we remember would make us laugh and cry at the same time. As Rahul recollected his old memories, he came out with some common and some extraordinary experiences. Tanveer often shared his toys with all his brother and sisters, but sharing with Rahul was no compromise for Tanveer. It was comfortable for him to share with his elder brother Rahul. When Tanveer was shifted to our grandparents’ house, he was quite lonely and moreover the medicines had there own effect over Tanveer’s psychology. At this point of time Rahul had a very important role in Tanveer’s life.
He not only advised him as his brother but also shared his feeling and thoughts as a friend who could provide the best support being his peer. It is not that his other brothers and sisters were not a good support, the fact is that what Tanveer wanted at that point of time, he found it in Rahul.
While these six months with grandparents, Rahul and Tanveer had loads of fun. “In the evening we used go for cycling. Tanveer used to sit on the support that joins the seat and the handle and I was the one riding it. He used to love it that way. It gave me the feeling of an elder brother who was making his younger brother enjoy the time of his life even in such a pain. I enjoyed the smiles on his face,” says Rahul. It was not only the cycling that was mischievous but also the naughty play of words that our grandpa had to face due to which he could not deny them the car keys. But driving under the restriction of grandpa was no fun at all. Both, who surprisingly had good road sense used to drive where it was safe to learn and be away from the cops. In such situations, the driving used to be usually permitted by our grandma, when the drive to drive the car was over then, it was grandpa’s turn to be aware of there drives. Who could ever deny a fact that the cute looks of the children do not cause their hearts to melt away? One thing that none knew about Tanveer was the sudden change in Tanveer’s attitude. He suddenly became more irritable, short-tempered and aggressive. What could change a sweet boy like that? Te first thong was his medication and the second was his age. He was going to be a teenager. What else could change him? There was no other reason which was in light. One day Tanveer asked Rahul something, it was surprising for me to hear that, but it was a part of his age. “Rahul veer,” he asked one day, “Was I too innocent when I was a little boy?” To which Rahul did not reply, but Tanveer knew his own answer, he said, “Veer, I know I was too innocent and easy going that people just took me for granted. I am not like that anymore and neither have I wanted to be like that as I don’t want any one to take advantage of my well and easy going behaviour. ” It was a surprise to hear that from Tanveer, but he was right in a way. Tanveer had become such who would not want anybody to get hurt and hurt his sentiments too. This change in him was sudden and dramatic. But inevitably it was good for him. At least the teases and the mocking which his peers use to trouble him with were gone. Tanveer by the time he stayed there had become a boy who was known for his anger and right decisions. The tome of the feelings that was increasing its pages by every passing day and every moment of the day; it wasn’t easy for Tanveer to handle that much of pain and the hurting changed that were made by his life that had turned beastly to Tanveer. It was but natural that the feelings inside him wouldn’t remain so flexible. As told to me by Rahul, on December 8th 2003, he was informed that Tanveer was in a serious condition, “For the first I thought that he would be alright in no time. As we reached near the house, Grandpa’s car was there right in front of us. I thought Tanveer would come out walking. But when I saw mamaji (maternal uncle) carrying Tanveer; for the first I thought that Tanveer was in an unconscious state, but as I reached inside the house and saw Tanveer lying without any movement and the rest of the family member were immersed in the painful tears which were reflected that Tanveer was no more. It felt like a massacre had taken place inside my heart, as if there was no happy feeling left alive. There was nothing that I could hear. My world went blank. My mother was trying to make me cry fearing that I would face some problem if I wouldn’t. She was right I had to cry, but tears just did not roll out of y eyes. When I saw Tanveer’s face something pinched me inside, I went to the washroom, locked myself in and there I blew up crying, I couldn’t handle the loss of my brother. That was it. My life felt numb and I just can not handle it till date…” Rahul expressed as much as he could rest of his feeling were better left inside his heart as they would turn very painful and I did not want his day to be saddened.
Tanveer suffered as if pain had many substitutes but it never appeared in the optional form. As Tanveer saw it, we might not be able to apprehend the way it exactly was, nevertheless, we learnt a lot from his pain that we wanted to share and leave no pain for him. It was the possessiveness for our little brother that we had which forced us to be that way; a way in which none of us wanted to see the demon famous by the name of ‘Pain’. We all felt love for Tanveer. We were his support and we also played different roles in his life. But Tanveer played many roles in one form which was a sweet little brother who grew big when he died. We will never know what pain he exactly had deep inside his heart that he incubated in himself, but one thing we sure know, that can not be convicted from anyone’s heart, that Tanveer thought us an evergreen lesson in life and eternity, that was his love forever more. Even though sometimes in his questions and the answers, there was an essence of evasiveness but, he knew exactly what he was, what he was going through and what others were going through because of his NHL. It was the feeling of being sorry for others as he thought that every one faced pain due to his illness that was forcing him to be aloof from the rest of the world. But no matter how much we tried this feeling did not escape his heart, as it had no way and those feelings of his would have never found their way. The only thing that could change his tough life a bit was love that we all tried to give him and wish that he can still hear the voice of our love where ever he is now.
